When co-parents don’t agree, everything becomes harder.
School choice. Medical decisions. Holiday arrangements. Bedtimes. Screen time. Even what the child eats for dinner becomes a battle.
You’re not together anymore, but you still have to make joint decisions. And when you disagree – which is often – the conflict affects everyone, especially the children.
I’ve spent three years navigating disagreements with my ex. Some we’ve resolved. Some we haven’t. Some we’ve agreed to disagree on. And some required outside help.
This guide covers practical conflict resolution for co-parents – how to negotiate, when to compromise, communication strategies that work, when to get mediation, and how to handle high-conflict situations.
You won’t agree on everything. But you can learn to disagree better.
What’s Covered in This Guide
- → Why Co-Parent Disagreements Are So Difficult
- → Types of Co-Parent Conflicts
- → Picking Your Battles
- → Communication Strategies That Work
- → How to Negotiate With Your Co-Parent
- → When to Compromise (And When Not To)
- → When to Use Mediation
- → When to Take Legal Action
- → Dealing With High-Conflict Co-Parents
- → Protecting Children From Conflict
- → Specific Conflict Scenarios and Solutions
- → Frequently Asked Questions
Why Co-Parent Disagreements Are So Difficult
Understanding why co-parents don’t agree helps you approach conflicts more effectively.
You’re No Longer a Team
When you were together:
- You worked towards shared goals
- You could discuss things face-to-face
- You had shared values (or thought you did)
- Compromise felt like teamwork
Now you’re separated:
- Different goals and priorities
- Communication is distant and formal
- Value differences become stark
- Compromise feels like losing
Old Wounds Resurface
Every disagreement can trigger:
- Past relationship conflicts
- Unresolved hurt
- Trust issues
- Communication patterns that never worked
The Truth:
You’re trying to co-parent with someone you couldn’t successfully partner with. Of course it’s hard. The relationship didn’t work, but you still have to work together on the most important thing – your children.
Stakes Feel Higher
When co-parents don’t agree, it feels more significant than typical disagreements because:
- You can’t just “work it out later”
- Decisions happen in separate households
- No daily opportunities to repair
- Children are affected by every conflict
Types of Co-Parent Conflicts
Not all conflicts are equal. Understanding types helps you respond appropriately.
Major Decisions (High Stakes)
Examples:
- Which school child attends
- Medical treatment decisions
- Religious upbringing
- Moving house/relocating
- Education approach (school vs home education)
Legal status: Both parents must agree if both have parental responsibility
If you can’t agree: May require mediation or court
Day-to-Day Decisions (Lower Stakes)
Examples:
- Bedtimes
- Screen time
- Food choices
- Clothing
- Homework approach
Legal status: Each parent decides during their time
If you can’t agree: Accept different rules in different houses
Scheduling Conflicts
Examples:
- Changeover times
- Holiday arrangements
- Extra time requests
- Activity scheduling
Resolution: Communication, flexibility, compromise
Financial Conflicts
Examples:
- Child maintenance amount
- Extra expenses
- Activity costs
- School trip payments
Resolution: Follow child maintenance agreement or CMS assessment; negotiate extras
Communication Style Conflicts
Examples:
- How often to communicate
- Method of communication
- Response time expectations
- Level of detail shared
Resolution: Set clear communication agreements
Picking Your Battles
When co-parents don’t agree on everything, you need to prioritize.
The Battle-Picking Framework
Ask yourself these questions:
- Is this a safety issue?
- If YES → This is non-negotiable, push hard
- If NO → Continue assessment
- Is this a legal issue or major decision?
- If YES → Worth formal process (mediation/court)
- If NO → Continue assessment
- Will this matter in 5 years?
- If YES → Worth fighting for
- If NO → Probably let it go
- Can I control this?
- If YES → Worth negotiating
- If NO → Let it go
- Is this about the child or about my feelings toward my ex?
- If about ex → Let it go
- If genuinely about child → Worth addressing
What’s Worth Fighting For:
✓ Child’s safety
✓ Major medical decisions
✓ School choice
✓ Consistent parenting time
✓ Protection from harmful behavior
✓ Financial support for basics
What’s NOT Worth Fighting Over:
❌ Different bedtimes between houses
❌ What they eat at other house
❌ Screen time differences
❌ Hair styles/clothing choices
❌ Different discipline approaches (unless harmful)
❌ How they spend time at other house
Remember:
Every fight has a cost – to your energy, your relationship with your ex, and your children’s wellbeing. Pick battles that genuinely matter, let go of the rest.
Communication Strategies That Work
Better communication prevents many conflicts when co-parents don’t agree.
Strategy 1: Use Written Communication
Why it works:
- Time to think before responding
- Less emotional escalation
- Creates paper trail
- Can’t be misheard or misremembered
Best tools:
- Email (if low-medium conflict)
- Co-parenting apps (2Houses, OurFamilyWizard, Coparently)
- Text (only for urgent, simple matters)
Strategy 2: BIFF Communication
BIFF = Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm
Brief: Keep it short
❌ “I can’t believe you’re doing this again. Last time you said you’d pick up on time and you were 30 minutes late and Emma was upset and I had to cancel my plans…”
✓ “Please confirm you’ll pick up Emma at 5pm Saturday as agreed.”
Informative: Stick to facts
❌ “You never care about the kids’ wellbeing.”
✓ “Jake has a doctor’s appointment Tuesday 3pm. Can you take him or shall I?”
Friendly: Neutral, not hostile
❌ “If you bothered to read my messages…”
✓ “Just checking you received my last message about…”
Firm: Clear boundaries
❌ “Well, if you think that’s best, I guess…”
✓ “I’m not comfortable with that plan. Let’s discuss alternatives.”
Strategy 3: Focus on the Child
Frame everything around child’s needs, not your conflict:
❌ “You’re being unreasonable as usual.”
✓ “Mia does best with consistent routines. Can we agree on…”
❌ “I’m tired of your lack of planning.”
✓ “Sam needs his medication. Can we create a system to ensure he gets it at both houses?”
Strategy 4: Suggest Solutions, Don’t Just Complain
Come with proposals:
❌ “The current arrangement isn’t working.”
✓ “The current arrangement isn’t working. How about we try [specific alternative]?”
Strategy 5: Use “I” Statements
Own your perspective:
❌ “You’re being difficult about this.”
✓ “I’m finding it difficult to find a solution here.”
❌ “You always ignore my concerns.”
✓ “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.”
How to Negotiate With Your Co-Parent
When co-parents don’t agree, negotiation skills matter.
Step 1: Identify What You Each Want
Be clear on:
- Your position (what you’re asking for)
- Your underlying need (why you want it)
- Their position
- Their underlying need (if you can figure it out)
Example:
- Your position: Child should stay with you this Christmas
- Your need: Family tradition, seeing your parents
- Their position: Child should be with them Christmas
- Their need: Same – family tradition
Step 2: Find Common Ground
What do you both want?
- Child to have good Christmas
- Child to see both families
- Child to have traditions
- Fairness between parents
Step 3: Generate Options
Brainstorm solutions:
- Alternate years (you this year, them next)
- Split Christmas (Eve with one, Day with other)
- Christmas Day together, Boxing Day split
- Each parent gets child for part of school holiday
Step 4: Evaluate Options Together
Discuss pros/cons:
- Which works best for child?
- Which is most practical?
- Which is fairest long-term?
Step 5: Make a Decision
Agree on solution and document it:
- Write down what you agreed
- Include details
- Both confirm via email
- Stick to it
Negotiation Tips:
✓ Start with easiest issues
✓ Look for win-win solutions
✓ Be willing to trade (you get this, they get that)
✓ Take breaks if getting heated
✓ Sleep on it before deciding
✓ Consider child’s preference (age-appropriate)
When to Compromise (And When Not To)
Knowing when to compromise is crucial when co-parents don’t agree.
When to Compromise:
1. Day-to-Day Issues
Example: Bedtime differences
Why compromise: Both approaches are reasonable; child can adapt
2. Scheduling Conflicts
Example: Holiday time allocation
Why compromise: Fairness requires give and take
3. Financial Disagreements (Within Reason)
Example: Activity costs
Why compromise: Both contribute to child’s life
4. When You’re Both Right
Example: Educational approaches
Why compromise: Multiple valid viewpoints exist
When NOT to Compromise:
1. Safety Issues
Example: Exposure to dangerous people/situations
Why no compromise: Child’s safety is non-negotiable
2. Your Core Values
Example: Religious upbringing (for you)
Why no compromise: Some things are fundamental
3. Legal Requirements
Example: School attendance, medical care
Why no compromise: Legal obligations exist
4. When Compromise Harms Child
Example: Excessive travel between houses
Why no compromise: Child’s wellbeing comes first
The Compromise Decision Tree:
- Is this a safety issue? → NO COMPROMISE
- Is this legally required? → NO COMPROMISE
- Is this a core value for me? → Probably NO COMPROMISE
- Will this harm the child? → NO COMPROMISE
- Is this just a preference? → COMPROMISE POSSIBLE
- Can child adapt to both approaches? → COMPROMISE LIKELY OKAY
When to Use Mediation
Sometimes when co-parents don’t agree, you need outside help.
What is Mediation?
A neutral third party helps you:
- Communicate more effectively
- Understand each other’s perspectives
- Generate solutions
- Reach agreements
What it’s NOT:
- Not therapy
- Not legal advice
- Not someone who decides for you
- Not couples counseling
When to Consider Mediation:
- Communication has broken down
- Repeated conflicts over same issues
- Can’t agree on major decision
- Before considering court
- Parenting plan needs updating
- Financial disputes
Types of Mediation:
1. Family Mediation
Focus: Child arrangements, parenting plans
Cost: £100-150 per session (both parents usually split)
Sessions: Usually 3-5 sessions
2. Child-Inclusive Mediation
Focus: Includes child’s voice (age-appropriate)
When: Major decisions affecting older children
3. Shuttle Mediation
Format: You’re in separate rooms, mediator goes between
When: High conflict, can’t be in same room
How Mediation Works:
- MIAM (Mediation Information Assessment Meeting)
- Individual meetings with mediator
- Explains process
- Checks suitability
- Required before court in most cases
- Joint Sessions
- Both parents attend
- Mediator facilitates discussion
- Work through issues
- Generate solutions
- Agreement
- Written summary of decisions
- Can be made legally binding (with solicitor)
- Or remain informal agreement
Finding a Mediator:
Resources:
- National Family Mediation: nfm.org.uk
- Family Mediation Council: familymediationcouncil.org.uk
- Resolution (family law): resolution.org.uk
Pros and Cons:
Pros:
✓ Cheaper than court
✓ Faster than court
✓ More control over outcomes
✓ Less adversarial
✓ Can improve communication long-term
Cons:
❌ Both must be willing to engage
❌ Doesn’t work with domestic abuse
❌ No guaranteed outcome
❌ Still costs money
When to Take Legal Action
Sometimes when co-parents don’t agree, court is unavoidable.
When Court May Be Necessary:
- Child’s safety is at risk
- Major decision deadlocked (school, medical, relocation)
- Other parent refusing any communication
- Mediation has failed
- Other parent not following existing court order
- Parental alienation occurring
Types of Court Orders:
1. Child Arrangements Order
Covers: Where child lives, who they spend time with
When needed: Can’t agree on living arrangements or contact
2. Specific Issue Order
Covers: Specific decision (school, medical, etc.)
When needed: Deadlock on major decision
3. Prohibited Steps Order
Covers: Prevents specific action (relocation, name change)
When needed: Other parent planning something harmful/against child’s interests
The Court Process:
- MIAM Required
- Must attend mediation assessment first
- Exceptions: domestic abuse, emergency, other parent abroad
- File Application
- C100 form
- Fee: £232 (can apply for help with fees)
- Statement explaining situation
- First Hearing (FHDRA)
- Usually 6-8 weeks after application
- Court explores whether agreement possible
- May order CAFCASS report
- Further Hearings if Needed
- Dispute Resolution Appointment
- Fact-finding hearing (if allegations made)
- Final hearing
- Final Order
- Judge decides
- Based on child’s best interests
- Both parents must follow
Costs:
- Court fee: £232
- Solicitor: £150-300+ per hour
- Barrister (if final hearing): £1000-3000+
- Total: Can easily reach £5000-10,000+
Legal Aid:
Available if:
- You’re on certain benefits, OR
- Low income (under £2,657/month after tax), AND
- Evidence of domestic abuse (in some cases)
Reality Check:
Court should be last resort. It’s expensive, stressful, slow, and adversarial. A judge who doesn’t know your family will make decisions that affect your child for years. Exhaust all other options first.
Dealing With High-Conflict Co-Parents
Some situations where co-parents don’t agree involve high-conflict personalities.
Signs of High-Conflict Co-Parent:
- Everything becomes a battle
- Constant criticism and blame
- Refuses all compromise
- Uses children as weapons
- Violates agreements regularly
- Creates drama constantly
- Unable to focus on child’s needs
- Makes false allegations
Strategies for High-Conflict Situations:
1. Limit Communication
- Written only (email or app)
- Only about children
- Scheduled check-ins only
- Don’t respond to bait
2. Parallel Parenting
What it is: Minimal contact between parents; each parents independently during their time
When to use: High conflict makes co-parenting impossible
How it works:
- Very detailed parenting plan
- Minimal communication
- Each parent makes decisions during their time
- Only communicate about major issues
- Use third party for exchanges if needed
3. Document Everything
- Keep all messages
- Note violations of agreements
- Record expenses
- Take photos of injuries/issues
- Keep calendar of parenting time
4. Set Firm Boundaries
- Don’t engage with insults
- Don’t defend or explain excessively
- Don’t try to change their mind
- Stay focused on logistics only
5. Grey Rock Method
What it is: Be as boring and uninteresting as possible
How:
- Short, factual responses only
- No emotional content
- No personal information
- Don’t react to provocations
Example:
Them: “You’re a terrible parent and everyone knows it.”
You: “Pickup is at 5pm Sunday as scheduled.”
6. Seek Professional Help
- Therapy for yourself
- Therapy for children
- Parenting coordinator (if court-appointed)
- Legal advice
Protecting Children From Conflict
When co-parents don’t agree, children suffer most. Here’s how to protect them:
What Children Should Never See/Hear:
❌ Parents arguing
❌ Negative comments about other parent
❌ Details of adult conflicts
❌ Being used as messengers
❌ Being asked to take sides
❌ Financial disputes
❌ Legal proceedings details
What to Say to Children:
When they ask why you’re not together:
“Mum and Dad couldn’t be happy together anymore, but we both love you very much. This is between the grown-ups, not about you.”
When they notice you disagree:
“Mum and Dad see things differently sometimes, but we’re both trying to do what’s best for you. You don’t need to worry about grown-up things.”
When they complain about other parent’s rules:
“Every house has different rules. At Mum’s house, we do things Mum’s way. At Dad’s house, you follow Dad’s rules. Both are okay.”
Warning Signs Child is Affected:
- Behavioral changes
- Anxiety about transitions
- Withdrawal
- Aggression
- School problems
- Physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches)
- Regression
If you see these: Reduce conflict, increase stability, consider child therapy
Specific Conflict Scenarios and Solutions
Practical solutions for common situations when co-parents don’t agree:
Scenario 1: School Choice Disagreement
Situation: You want Grammar School, they want local comprehensive
Solutions:
- Visit both schools together
- List pros/cons of each
- Consider child’s preference (if age-appropriate)
- Trial period at preferred school?
- If deadlocked: Mediation, then court if necessary
Scenario 2: Holiday Dispute
Situation: Both want child for summer holiday same week
Solutions:
- Check existing agreement/court order first
- Who had that week last year? Alternate?
- Split the week?
- Trade for different week?
- Consider child’s preference
Scenario 3: Home Education vs School
Situation: One wants to home educate, other wants child in school
Solutions:
- Both have parental responsibility = both must agree
- Present detailed home education plan
- Trial period (one term)?
- Compromise: Part-time school?
- If can’t agree: Mediation, potentially court
See our guide on co-parenting home education for more details.
Scenario 4: Medical Treatment Disagreement
Situation: Disagreement over medical treatment (medication, surgery, therapy)
Solutions:
- Both attend doctor appointment together
- Get second medical opinion
- Research together
- Ask doctor to mediate
- If urgent and can’t agree: May need court
Scenario 5: Activity Conflict
Situation: Child’s activity falls during other parent’s time; they won’t take child
Solutions:
- Explain importance to child
- Offer to adjust parenting time to accommodate
- Offer to pay for activity
- Offer to do transportation
- If activity during your time mostly: Accept they won’t participate
Scenario 6: New Partner Conflict
Situation: Disagreement about new partner meeting/being around child
Solutions:
- Reassure it will be gradual
- Agree on timeline (e.g., 6 months dating before intro)
- Start with brief meetings
- Keep communication open about child’s adjustment
- Other parent can’t stop it, but can influence pace
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you do when co-parents don’t agree?
First, determine if this is a major decision (school, medical, religion, relocation) or day-to-day issue. For major decisions, try negotiation first, then mediation if needed, and court as last resort. For day-to-day issues, accept that different rules can exist in different houses. Focus communication on child’s needs, use written communication, and pick your battles carefully. Many disagreements can be resolved through compromise and better communication.
When should co-parents use mediation?
Consider mediation when communication has broken down, you repeatedly conflict over the same issues, you can’t agree on a major decision, or before considering court action. Mediation is required (MIAM) before going to court in most cases. It’s cheaper and faster than court, and gives you more control over outcomes. However, it only works if both parents are willing to engage in good faith.
Can I take legal action if my co-parent won’t agree?
Yes, for major decisions where both parents’ agreement is legally required (school choice, medical treatment, relocation, etc.), you can apply to court for a Specific Issue Order if you can’t reach agreement. You must attempt mediation first (MIAM) unless exemptions apply. Court should be last resort as it’s expensive (£5000-10,000+), stressful, and slow. The judge will decide based on child’s best interests, not parent preferences.
What if my co-parent is high-conflict and unreasonable?
For high-conflict co-parents, consider parallel parenting instead of co-parenting. This means minimal contact, very detailed parenting plans, and each parent making decisions independently during their time. Use written communication only, document everything, use grey rock method (boring, factual responses only), and set firm boundaries. Consider using a parenting coordinator if court-appointed or seeking therapy for yourself and your children.
How do I know which battles are worth fighting?
Fight for: safety issues, major medical decisions, school choice, consistent parenting time, protection from harmful behavior, and financial support for basics. Let go of: different bedtimes, what they eat at other house, screen time differences, hair styles, different discipline approaches (unless harmful), and how they spend time at other house. Ask yourself: Is this a safety issue? Will this matter in 5 years? Can I control this? Is this about my child or my feelings toward my ex?
Should I always compromise with my co-parent?
No. Compromise on preferences and day-to-day issues, but not on safety, core values, legal requirements, or when compromise would harm your child. It’s okay to hold firm on things that genuinely matter while being flexible on things that don’t. The key is knowing the difference between principles (don’t compromise) and preferences (compromise possible).
How can I protect my children from our conflicts?
Never argue in front of children, don’t make negative comments about other parent, don’t use children as messengers, don’t ask them to take sides, and keep them out of adult conflicts. Tell them disputes are between grown-ups and not their concern. Watch for warning signs (behavioral changes, anxiety, withdrawal) and reduce conflict if you see these. Consider child therapy if conflict is affecting them significantly.
What is BIFF communication and how does it help?
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. This communication method helps reduce conflict by keeping messages short, sticking to facts, maintaining neutral tone, and setting clear boundaries. Instead of emotional paragraphs, you write focused messages: “Please confirm you’ll pick up Emma at 5pm Saturday as agreed.” BIFF communication prevents escalation and keeps focus on practical matters rather than emotions or past conflicts.
You Won’t Always Agree – And That’s Okay
Here’s the truth about when co-parents don’t agree:
You won’t resolve everything. Some disagreements will persist. Accept this.
You don’t have to like each other. You just have to work together on decisions about your children.
Perfect co-parenting doesn’t exist. Aim for “good enough” that puts children first.
It gets easier with time. Most co-parents report less conflict as years pass and patterns establish.
Focus on what you can control:
✓ Your communication
✓ Your reactions
✓ Your boundaries
✓ Your household
✓ Protecting your children
When conflict arises, ask yourself: “What does my child need right now?” That answer usually shows you the way forward.
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