If you’re nodding, you’re not alone. You’re also not dramatic, lazy, or failing. You’re carrying an invisible backpack of mental load that has never been named or acknowledged properly. In this guide, we will unpack what it means to be the default parent and how to gently begin reclaiming space for yourself without guilt.
What Is a Default Parent?
A default parent is the one who does not get to clock off. You are the one who knows what size shoes the kids wear, when the snacks run low, how long it has been since the dentist. You are the person school calls first. The one who remembers birthdays and always knows where the spare tights are.
📌 Signs You Might Be the Default Parent
- You know your child’s friend’s mum’s birthday. Your partner does not know the friend’s name
- You are interrupted on the toilet to solve questions others could answer
- You pack the bags, track the forms, keep the calendar running
- You’re always “on”. Even in your sleep
The Mental Load No One Sees
Mental load is the invisible labour of thinking, planning, remembering and feeling for others. It is keeping a household emotionally regulated, nutritionally balanced, socially supported and academically prepared. All in your head. It is why you feel exhausted without “doing” much.
🧠 Invisible Tasks I Carry
- Remembering who likes what colour cup
- Planning dinners around fussy eaters, appointments and moods
- Knowing which clothes are nearly outgrown
- Anticipating meltdowns and preparing to co-regulate
How to Reclaim Space Without Guilt
You do not need a weekend away to feel free. You need regular, gentle permission to pause without explaining yourself. This begins with understanding that your worth is not measured by self-sacrifice.
🌿 3-Minute Reset Menu
- 💧 Drink a glass of cold water slowly
- 🌬 Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4
- ☁️ Name 3 things you can see, hear and feel
- 🎶 Put on one calming song and stretch
Boundaries Are Not Rejection
Children thrive on structure, and boundaries provide safety. Saying “I need five minutes” does not mean “I do not love you.” It teaches emotional safety and self-respect. Rehearsing kind scripts in calm moments helps you use them in overwhelm.
🗣 Reset Words for Tired Mums
- “You are safe, and so am I. I need a moment.”
- “I hear you. I will respond after I have breathed.”
- “Let us pause and come back to this with soft voices.”
- “This is hard. We will figure it out together.”
Final Thoughts
The world expects mums to give until they disappear. But you are not here to vanish. You are here to feel, to live, to model softness and sovereignty. Being the default parent is a role. Not your identity. You deserve care, space, and recognition. Not just as a mother, but as a person.
💗 You Deserve
- Rest that is not earned
- Support without needing to ask twice
- Joy that is not delayed until bedtime
- Space to exist outside of service