You know how certain restaurants have a secret menu? The kind only insiders know about? Well, motherhood has one too. Except instead of extra fries or a double-shot macchiato with a wink, it’s more along the lines of: “a cup of tea no one touches”, “watching Bridgerton without guilt”, or “locking the bathroom door and pretending you’re constipated just to scroll Instagram in peace.”
This is the mum’s secret menu. The unspoken rituals, hacks and hidden gems that keep us from completely unravelling. And today, we’re celebrating it – loud and proud.
1. The Coffee You Actually Get to Drink While It’s Hot
Forget cold brews. You didn’t choose this life. It chose you. That one glorious morning where no one interrupts you, and your coffee is still steaming? That’s a Michelin-starred moment. Pure magic. Ten points to Mum-gle-dore.
2. Your ‘I’m Not Available’ Outfit
There’s a certain jumper. Possibly oversized. Possibly stained. Maybe the sleeves are stretched because you’ve yanked them up one too many times during an emotional rant about dishwasher etiquette. This is not your cosy outfit. This is your do not disturb signal. It says, “I am busy. Or tired. Or emotionally unavailable until further notice.” Wear it like armour.
3. The Show You Pretend Not to Care About but Secretly Love
You call it “background noise” but you could write an academic thesis on it. You know all the plot twists. You have strong opinions about every contestant. And if your partner dares skip ahead without you, it’s emotional warfare. Whether it’s Love Is Blind or a true crime doc that ends with you checking the locks at midnight, it’s yours — and you don’t have to explain it.
4. The Snack You Eat When No One’s Watching
A spoonful of Nutella. That weird combination of crisps and cheese. Leftover birthday cake eaten in the dark like some sort of sugar gremlin. It’s not about nutrition. It’s about sanity. It’s about joy. It’s about you, living your truth between meals and beneath expectations.
5. Your Tiny, Underrated Wins That Deserve Fireworks
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You remembered to put the bins out.
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You managed a shower AND moisturiser.
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You found the missing school shoe.
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No one touched your secret chocolate stash.
Small miracles? Yes. Do we treat them like Olympic medals? Also yes.
6. The Bathroom Break That Lasts a Suspiciously Long Time
Nobody actually pees for that long. We all know it. But in that sacred silence, scrolling memes or just breathing deeply in a locked room becomes a self-care ritual. One minute more? Always. Until someone bangs on the door yelling about a sibling injustice involving LEGO.
7. The Song That Fixes Everything (For 3.5 Minutes)
There is one song that reboots your soul. Maybe it’s Beyoncé. Maybe it’s Whitney. Maybe it’s Rage Against the Machine because you’ve had that kind of day. Whatever it is, when it plays – volume up, eyes closed, hips slightly wiggling – you’re back. Still tired, but back.
Why the Secret Menu Matters
Motherhood isn’t all mess and martyrdom. It’s rituals, inside jokes, weird coping mechanisms and tiny treats that add up to survival and sometimes even joy. These aren’t guilty pleasures. These are sacred. They keep us grounded, sane, and laughing when we could be crying into a laundry pile.
So here’s to the mum secret menu. May we honour it, share it, and protect it like the national treasure it is.
Want to add to the secret menu? Drop your rituals in the comments – let’s spill the beans (and maybe the wine) together. 🍷