BIFF Method Co-Parenting Messages

Every co-parenting message you send should pass one test: would you be comfortable if a family court judge read it? The BIFF method makes sure the answer is always yes.

What BIFF Stands For

Brief — say only what needs saying. No backstory, no justification, no history lesson.
Informative — facts only. No feelings, no opinions, no accusations.
Friendly — civil, polite tone. Not warm and fuzzy — just not hostile. “Thanks” and “Let me know” go a long way.
Firm — state your position clearly. Don’t leave room for negotiation on things that aren’t negotiable.

The method was developed by Bill Eddy, a family law specialist who works with high-conflict personalities. It’s used by mediators, family solicitors, and CAFCASS officers across the UK.

Before and After: Real Examples

Before (emotional): “I can’t believe you’re doing this AGAIN. Every single time you change the plans at the last minute and I’m left picking up the pieces. The kids were devastated. You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

After (BIFF): “Hi, the agreed pickup was 3pm on Saturday. The children were expecting you. Going forward, please let me know by Friday evening if plans need to change. Thanks.”

Before: “You need to stop feeding them junk food every time they’re at yours. They came home feeling sick AGAIN. I’ve told you a hundred times about the allergies.”

After: “Quick reminder: [child] has a confirmed dairy allergy. Please avoid dairy products during your time. Their antihistamines are in the bag. Thanks.”

Before: “NO. Absolutely not. You can’t just demand extra time whenever it suits you.”

After: “I can’t accommodate that change for this weekend. Let’s stick to the current schedule. If you’d like to propose an ongoing change, we can discuss it through mediation.”

The Golden Rules

Write it, then wait. Draft your message, then wait 30 minutes before sending. Re-read with fresh eyes.
Remove every adjective. “Ridiculous,” “unfair,” “selfish” — delete them all.
One topic per message. Don’t combine schedule changes with complaints about bedtimes.
Keep it under 5 sentences. If it’s longer, you’re probably not being Brief enough.
End with a close. “Thanks,” “Let me know,” or “See you Saturday” signals the conversation is done.

For 5 ready-to-copy templates covering schedule changes, boundary setting, and handling hostility, download our free Co-Parenting Communication Templates. The Co-Parenting Survival Bundle includes 10 advanced scripts for the really difficult conversations.

Legal Disclaimer — Family & Co-Parenting: This content provides general guidance on co-parenting communication and family matters. It is not legal advice. For matters involving child arrangement orders, contact orders, parental responsibility, or family court proceedings, consult a qualified family solicitor. You may be eligible for a free £500 mediation voucher via gov.uk. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (free, 24/7) or visit womensaid.org.uk. Darling Mellow Ltd accepts no liability for outcomes resulting from the use of any templates, scripts, or guidance provided. Communication templates are suggestions only and may not be appropriate for your specific circumstances — always seek professional advice for legal matters.

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biff method co-parenting communication messages templates