The BIFF Method: Writing Co-Parenting Messages That Don’t Start Wars

Every co-parenting message you send should pass one test: would you be comfortable if a family court judge read it? The BIFF method makes sure the answer is always yes.

What BIFF Stands For

• Brief — say only what needs saying. No backstory, no justification, no history lesson.
• Informative — facts only. No feelings, no opinions, no accusations.
• Friendly — civil, polite tone. Not warm and fuzzy — just not hostile. “Thanks” and “Let me know” go a long way.
• Firm — state your position clearly. Don’t leave room for negotiation on things that aren’t negotiable.

The method was developed by Bill Eddy, a family law specialist who works with high-conflict personalities. It’s used by mediators, family solicitors, and CAFCASS officers across the UK.

Before and After: Real Examples

Before (emotional): “I can’t believe you’re doing this AGAIN. Every single time you change the plans at the last minute and I’m left picking up the pieces. The kids were devastated. You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

After (BIFF): “Hi, the agreed pickup was 3pm on Saturday. The children were expecting you. Going forward, please let me know by Friday evening if plans need to change. Thanks.”

Before: “You need to stop feeding them junk food every time they’re at yours. They came home feeling sick AGAIN. I’ve told you a hundred times about the allergies.”

After: “Quick reminder: [child] has a confirmed dairy allergy. Please avoid dairy products during your time. Their antihistamines are in the bag. Thanks.”

Before: “NO. Absolutely not. You can’t just demand extra time whenever it suits you.”

After: “I can’t accommodate that change for this weekend. Let’s stick to the current schedule. If you’d like to propose an ongoing change, we can discuss it through mediation.”

The Golden Rules

1. Write it, then wait. Draft your message, then wait 30 minutes before sending. Re-read with fresh eyes.
2. Remove every adjective. “Ridiculous,” “unfair,” “selfish” — delete them all.
3. One topic per message. Don’t combine schedule changes with complaints about bedtimes.
4. Keep it under 5 sentences. If it’s longer, you’re probably not being Brief enough.
5. End with a close. “Thanks,” “Let me know,” or “See you Saturday” signals the conversation is done.

For 5 ready-to-copy templates covering schedule changes, boundary setting, and handling hostility, download our free Co-Parenting Communication Templates. The Co-Parenting Survival Bundle includes 10 advanced scripts for the really difficult conversations.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my co-parent refuses to communicate at all?

If direct communication has completely broken down, you have several options. A parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents creates a documented record of all messages and can be submitted to court. Family mediation through an accredited service (you may be eligible for a free £500 voucher via gov.uk) provides a structured space with a neutral third party. If safety is a concern, a solicitor can communicate on your behalf. The key is to keep the focus on the children’s needs and maintain a factual, business-like approach regardless of the other parent’s behaviour.

How do I explain the situation to my children?

Children need age-appropriate honesty without detail. “Mummy and Daddy work better living in different houses, but we both love you exactly the same” is enough for young children. Avoid blaming the other parent in front of the children, even when you feel justified. Children internalise conflict between their parents as something wrong with themselves. If your child asks difficult questions, validate their feelings first: “It’s okay to feel sad about this. Would you like to talk about it, or would you like a cuddle?”

Should I keep a record of what happens?

Yes. Keep a factual, dated log of any incidents, missed handovers, late collections, hostile messages, or concerns about the children’s welfare. Stick to facts only — no emotional commentary. “15 March: 45 minutes late for collection. No advance notice given.” This log is valuable evidence if you ever need to go to court or involve social services. Store it securely and keep a backup.

Looking After Yourself Through This

Co-parenting with a difficult ex takes a genuine toll on your mental health. The hypervigilance, the walking on eggshells, the constant bracing for conflict — it’s exhausting in a way that people who haven’t experienced it don’t fully understand. Make sure you have at least one person you can talk to honestly about what you’re going through, whether that’s a friend, family member, or therapist.

If you’re finding it hard to manage the emotional weight of co-parenting, our Boundary Toolkit includes specific scripts for separated parents. For ready-to-use message templates that take the stress out of every interaction, see our free Co-Parenting Communication Templates.

Remember: you cannot control how your co-parent behaves. You can only control how you respond. And choosing not to engage with provocation is not weakness — it’s strategy.